Part 1 |
Part 2 |
Part 3 |
Written by Toolmaster Jeff Zehnder
Chapter 1 - Legend Of The Dinosaur
And Crow said, "Seeya!"
Joel pushed the button and the transmission ended.
He stared momentarily at the monitor before him. The end credits to the show were running.
He sang quietly to himself with the music, "bosses didn't like him so they shot him into spaaaace."
He was interrupted by, "Ok, Crow, I'm headed outside for a tan, you've got to help me butter my back."
"Ok, Servo. Hey Joel, wanna join us?"
Chuckling to himself, Joel responded, "No, that's alright. I wanna work on the satellite communications systems. I'm trying to get the blacked out Twins games."
Servo replied, heading out of the room, "Alright, Joel, but you don't know what you're missing."
As Joel went off to build a cable TV descrambler and Crow and Servo went to tan, Gypsy wandered onto the bridge, half muttering, half singing to herself, "She'll be riding six white horses when she comes, Yee Haw! She'll be riding six white horses when she comes."
Noticing Cambot, Gypsy asked, "Is the movie over?"
Cambot nodded yes, and Gypsy continued, "Good, I need to tell Joel that I got his Lakers games bounced off of a decommissioned 6300 Cronkite class telecommunications satellite."
At that moment, the all too familiar face of Dr. Laurence Erhardt appeared on the monitor, "Joel? Joel?" seeing Gypsy, he said, "Oh, the weird copper one. Listen Gypsum, I want you to tell Joel that we've got a direct link to the Twins games and that he can't watch. Hahahahhahahahahahha!"
The monitor went blank as Gypsum shook her head and laughed.
Chapter 2 - Crash of the Moons
"Yea, hi, uhh, Gypsy, could you come here for a second; the access is locked again," Joel yelled from the control room, where he was trying to tap into the main reactor lines so he could run his television and blender at the same time.
The mads, in an effort to save money, had used shoddy, high gauge wiring on the satellite, and as a result, most of the existing lines only put out minimal current.
Gypsy crept into the room and was about to tell Joel yet again that the access code was '1,2,3,4' when there was a deafening crash from the bridge accompanied by the familiar voices of Servo and Crow.
"Owwww! Don't touch me!" yelled Servo.
"Owwwww! I'm tellin' Joel!" Servo yelled again.
The two bots ran into the room.
Joel immediately noticed that Servo was not his usual reflective shade of silver, but rather a crimson red.
"Owwwwwww!" Servo exclaimed once again.
"Ohhh this is fun!" Crow laughed.
"Joel! Crow's poking me!" complained Servo.
Joel said, "Yea, I can see that. Say, uhhh, what happened to you there, Tom?"
"Crow locked me out of the ship after we were done tanning and I burned! Go on, punish him," dictated Servo.
"No, uh, Servo. Crow, that was a good one man, but don't do it too many more times, ok?" Joel said.
Crow acknowledged Joel's request, and Servo shouted in disbelief, "What?!?! I get charred beyond recognition and Crow gets promoted!?!?"
"No... Well, Servo, I kinda like your new color; it makes your more attractive, I think," Joel complimented his new crimson friend.
"Oh really?" Servo asked, obviously flattered, "Do you think it makes me more OWWWWWWWW!"
Crow poked Servo yet again.
Joel chuckled and said, "Ok, Crow, that's enough for now. Good to see you got your arms working though."
"Yea, I rerouted some power through the main ship generators to these measly motors you put in my arm joints," explained Crow, gesturing to the large, rather obvious wires in the elbow joints of both of his arms.
Joel slapped his forehead, suddenly realizing, "You didn't use breakers 11 and..."
Just at that moment, the ships previously unused P.A. system clicked on and the omnipresent voice of the maliciously evil scientist that was Dr. Clayton Forrester boomed, "Thank you narrator, for that wonderful introduction," Forrester paused, cleared his throat, and continued, "Earth to Joel, come in Joel! Get your hinder to the bridge, and I mean yesterday!"
Dr. Erhardt added, "Yea, and fast!"
As Joel and his three robots sauntered up the bridge Joel remembered, "Say, uh, guys, what was that crash a minute ago?"
The bots were evasive in their responses.
"Well, Joel..." Crow trailed off.
"Y'see.. uhh... Gyps... err," Tom began.
As they reached the bridge, it became apparent, "Guys!" Joel yelled as he ran to the corner of the bridge, "Cambot? Speak to me!"
In the general insanity that had ensued during the robots earlier outburst, they crashed about the ship, smacking into Cambot and smashing him back into the pieces from which he began.
Joel wasn't sure whether to be angry at Crow and Servo or upset at the destruction of Cambot.
"Guys," he said, while picking up pieces of Cambot as he spoke, "I spent a lot of time on Cambot here, and unlike you guys, he actually helps out here, uhh, on the ship.
It's going to take me a month to repair the motors Cambot needs to lug around this prehistoric camera the mads put on the ship."
Crow was the first to speak, "Joel, we're sorry and all, but we never really understood why you built a robot to help those dickweed scientists follow you around, anyway."
"Because they told me to!" Joel answered, continuing in this rare outburst, "And, uhh, they control my oxygen supply."
"Speaking of what we told you to do Joely, get in front of the camera where I can see you," Dr. Forrester had been listening to Joel lecture the bots, "And just as a reminder, you built your two sarcastic plastic world destroyers all by yourself. Now get where I can see you, boobie."
Joel had elected to build Cambot as a separate robot that would operate a conventional camera, rather than as a single camera-bot unit.
This was necessitated by the fact that the camera and tripod weighed more than Joel did, and despite his best efforts, he had been unable to separate the camera from the tripod.
As a benefit to Forrester, at least in this case, the death of Cambot did not mean the death of the camera.
"Joel," Dr. F. spoke, "As much as I'd like to mock your momentary unhappiness, we've got some bigger fish to fry."
"Bluegill or muskie?" quizzed Dr. Erhardt.
Attempting to ignore his partner in mad scientistry, Dr. F. continued, speaking over Larry, who was counting off different types of fish on his fingers, "Here at Gizmonic, we strive to stay on top of things, and so, when Lar here perfected the time machine, I went a few years into the future to check on the state of our... how do you say, experiment.
Anyway, sometime between now and 1991 that flying bucket of bolts and tennis rackets you call the Satellite of Love is going to make a major transition."
At this, he pulled out a small model of the more familiar dogbone shaped S.O.L.
If one is free to speculate, it looked as though Forrester had crafted it himself by hand, as the small Gizmonic "G" decal on its end was slightly torn.
Continuing, Forrester said, "So Joel, we figured, lets do it now. Yep, we pooled our resources, 'borrowed' some rainy day funds from the Gizmonic accounts, and built ourselves a new ship.
It was hard, but some non-union Canadian labor helped."
"Yea! And all they wanted in return were some Packers tickets and 3 dozen of these things!" exclaimed Dr. Erhardt, pulling out a box of toques from the same location that Forrester had previously produced the S.O.L. model.
"That's right. The new ship launches in 5 minutes," said Forrester, he added, in a whisper, "And don't tell Lar here, but he went missing.
Some odd white Metalunan alien has taken his place as my assistant."
Back on the satellite, everyone was...
Servo, interrupting the narrator, said, "First dibs on a room! Haha!"
Joel, slightly dejected, said, "But I just finished replacing all of the cheap 10 Amp breakers you guys used with decent ones!"
Crow however, was thrilled at a different prospect, "No more Dr. Erhardt! Wooooooo!" realizing Forrester's instruction to keep quiet, Crow added, "No more Dr. Erhardt, Woooooooo!!!"
Back at Gizmonic, Forrester stated, "Well Joel, our goal is to drive you mad, if you were just slightly more cooperative in that respect, maybe we would have given you better wiring."
Dr. Erhardt, confused by Crow's exuberant behavior, asked, "Clay, what is Mr. T. talking about?"
Forrester was quick to respond, "No, no, no, Larry, What Crow really said was, "Now, where's my loan shark?"
Dr. E. paused for a moment, perhaps comparing the rhyme scheme of the two phrases, perhaps wondering how to remove jelly stains from satin, before chirping, "Ok!"
He continued, "I'll show them a loan shark, send'em the movie, Clayton."
Dr. Forrester, momentarily confused, said, "Larry, Larry, we're on hiatus, we don't have any movies."
Obviously disappointed, Erhardt was only able to muster, "Oh," before shrinking away, off of the view screen on the S.O.L.
Dr. F. walked to the other side of the lab to a rock wall.
On it was a single lever, marked, in bold type, "Launch New Satellite Of Love."
He gazed at the sign enthusiastically, before gloating to Joel, "What do you think of my new labelmaker? Pretty neat, huh?"
Back on the satellite, Joel's only response was, "You guys are really strange."
Dr. F. donned a labcoat, as to make himself look more 'sciency,' and to adhere to Gizmonic protocol 67.14.2, which dictated that all employees must wear labcoats whilst operating large levers, and said, "Here goes," while flipping the lever down.
"Ship launch in 30 seconds," came a soothing echoey female voice from over the Gizmonic P.A..
Dr. F. spoke to Joel, "Now Joel, this ship is going to dock over on bay 4 in about 2 hours, after it's full orbit is..."
He was interrupted by, "Ship launch in 15 seconds."
Sneering at the speaker on the ceiling, Forrester continued, "Now then, you'll have 1 hour to get over to the ship before we deorbit the present SOL, so don't take too long moving your tic tac collection."
"Ship launch in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ship launch now," spoke the sonorous, almost magic voice from the P.A..
A rumbling could be felt from all Gizmonic as the two scientists hiding place for the ship, a hollowed out skyscraper, split in two to allow the ship to launch.
While the mads gloated at their accomplishment, there was a new problem up on the satellite, "Uh Joel?" Gypsy spoke, nudging her creator with her lips, "What about me?"
"Oh, no, Gypsum, what are we going to do?" wondered Joel.
"What's wrong, Joel Hodgson?" asked Crow.
"You see, Crow," Joel explained, "Unlike you and Servo, Gypsy is hard wired to the ship's computers, she's part of the SOL."
"Oh," Servo pondered, "Well, more new S.O.L. for us, I guess."
Joel thwacked Servo upside his dome and said, "No Servo. Now Gypsum, I have most of your basic programming on floppies, so you'll just need a new body on the new ship."
With this, Joel pulled some 5¼" floppy disks from under the table labeled 'FORTRAN ~ GYPSUM 1.2' in an attempt to comfort his ailing robot.
"But Joel?" Gypsy cried, "What about my memories?"
Joel thought for a minute, and then said, "Now Gypsy, do you really want to remember the time we forced you to do your Godzilla impression?"
"I guess not," Gypsy replied.
"Good," Joel said, "Then it's settled. Mr. Crow, Mr. Servo, Madame Gypsum... lets pack. Meet back in 45 minutes."
As Joel and the bots packed their few belongings, the new ship approached docking distance.
It was substantially larger than their present home, and was lacking any solar panels.
The shape of the ship was that of a giant dog bone.
Joel glanced out the window and noticed it approaching.
It was emblazoned with the familiar Gizmonic logo, "Weird looking ship," he said, to no one inparticular.
As he labeled a box '10 year supply of clipboards and Bic pens,' a siren went off on the ship.
Servo appeared from nowhere, screaming, "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!"
Joel looked at the monitor and said, "No Servo, the new ship is ready to dock, it just needs docking codes... Gypsy?"
"I'm on it," Gypsy called from the other room.
Chapter 3001 - The Next Odyssey
The two ships docked and a distorted voice called across the P.A., "Pressure equalized, interior door opening."
As the door opened, Joel and the bots began shifting their numerous boxes from one ship to the other.
Forrester called over the P.A., "Hello boobie, according to my instruments, you have five minutes to deobitalization, so get your hinders across that threshold!"
The speaker clicked off and Joel yelled, "Come on guys, we've gotta get moving! There's only enough time for one more thing! The camera!"
"But, Joel," Servo exclaimed, "My stuff is important."
Joel looked at some of Servo's boxes and said, "Servo! There's a whole box here full of broken Transformer toys."
"But, Joel, they aren't toys, they're robots in disguise!"
Joel shook his head at Servo and leaned against the tripod and camera to push it into the new ship.
In what seemed like a deliberate effort to frustrate his efforts, as he put all of his weight into pushing the infrequently oiled wheels, one of the casters snapped and the camera toppled over.
Realizing he did not have the time to pick up the now broken camera and drag it across the floor, "Guys! We don't even have time to haul this camera, we're gonna drag ourselves and this new ship down with us!"
Joel gave Gypsy a hug and ran down the tunnel to the new ship with Crow and Servo close behind.
Gypsy called to Joel, as she closed pod bay doors and broke the tether, "Goodbye Joel Hodgson."
In the new ship, there wasn't any time to stop and smell the roses, "Three minutes until deorbitalization," called the new ship's P.A..
"Oh no guys, we took too long and are going to be dragged into the atmosphere.
We have to get the thrusters firing!"
"Aye captain," Servo replied, doing his best Scotty, "I'll do me best."
Joel looked past the main bridge and saw a steering wheel reminiscent of pirate days, "Wow, they must have really run low on funding."
He walked over and glanced down at the alarmingly easy looking, almost childlike controls and said, "Gee, this going to be easier than I thought."
He turned the key in the ignition, and nothing happened, "Mr. Servo, report!"
Servo's head popped up from a hole in the floor, covered in soot and tangled in a mess of wiring, "I'm-a trying captain, but I needs more time."
"No time Mr. Servo," Joel responded, "I need the generators running, stat!"
Servo disappeared again as Joel wondered out loud, "How are we going to get this ship started?"
The echoy voice returned, "Why don't you jump start the system with the golden spider duck?
Batteries can power the thrusters for three-and-a-half minutes, but they do not have enough cold cranking amps to start a system of this size on their own. Deorbitalization in 90 seconds."
"Uhhh, thank you voice," Joel responded, somewhat confused, "Crow?"
Crow appeared from behind the large Gizmonic "G" door, "Yes, Joel Hodgson?"
Joel popped up one of the a triangular floor panels to revel a deep cycle boat battery, "Put your hands here."
Before Crow realized what was going on, Joel had turned the ignition key and the satellite sputtered to life.
He quietly pat himself on the back for including a high-output marine alternator deep within Crow's circuitry, despite the fact that it was entirely unneeded.
Joel pushed a lever towards the label "UP" and the satellite lurched forward.
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